The Endless Loop of Pain
You know that feeling, don’t you? Like you’re stuck, cycling through pain over and over with a parent who cuts you deep with their words—shaming, controlling, emotionally abusive—because you didn’t do things the way they wanted, the way they needed. You keep hoping, maybe this time they’ll change, they’ll see you, they’ll show some grace. But it’s the same hurt, again and again, and it’s so complex because those roles you’ve played—caretaker, empath, saviour—are so embedded, wired into your developing years of trying to make it work. That’s a trauma bond, a tangled web of love, need, and survival. Psychology Today describes it as an intense emotional attachment formed in relationships with unpredictable highs and lows, keeping you tethered to someone who wounds you.
You’ve probably spent years thinking, If I could just be better—stronger, wiser, more spiritual—maybe we’d have a real relationship. That longing, that ache for their love, comes from a place inside that feels so empty, like you’re missing something they were supposed to give you. It’s not your fault, but it’s heavy, and it’s real. For those searching for narcissistic parent trauma or breaking trauma bonds, this pain is all too familiar.
The Weight of a Loving Heart
If you’re an empath, a loving child, or a codependent child, you’ve poured everything into this relationship. You’ve tolerated their verbal jabs, felt sorry for them, and tried to understand their pain. Your heart goes out to them, even when they hurt you. You’ve been the saviour, thinking that if you could just be better—spiritually stronger, more patient—you could fix it. But that’s the trap. Your empathy, as beautiful as it is, keeps you in a codependent cycle, where you give and give, even when it means losing yourself.
This often starts young. As Verywell Mind explains, children of narcissistic parents learn to prioritize others’ needs, sacrificing their own. You might have spent years forgiving, making excuses, being the bigger person, all while lacking good boundaries. Maybe you’ve seen their narcissism ripple through your family, wounding others you love, like watching a parent suffer under their emotional poison. Even through loss—losing someone dear or the dream of a healthy relationship—you keep loving, because that’s who you are. Searches like healing from narcissistic abuse or codependency recovery resonate here, as they reflect your journey.
The Cuts That Won’t Heal
Here’s the part that hurts the most: they won’t change. You’ve held onto hope through loneliness, through grief, thinking maybe this time they’ll let go of their ways, show some grace for their child. But to your surprise—and yet, not a surprise—they’re the same as ever. Verbally, emotionally, psychologically abusive, shaming you because you didn’t fit their mould. The pain is still there, even if you don’t react anymore. Those cuts, those memories of being dismissed or belittled, they wake you up to the reality of how deep this goes.
Healthline notes that narcissists prioritize their fragile ego, choosing self-protection over connection. Their pain, their rigidity, is so strong it seeps past all their layers of defence. You see it now—their self-protection is stronger than their ability to love you the way you deserve. It’s not about you; it’s about their own pain, so great they’d rather hide behind a false self than face it. For those searching for how to heal from narcissistic parents, this realization is a turning point.
The Heart’s Process of Letting Go
Letting go of a trauma bond with a narcissistic parent is a process, and it’s not easy. If you’re a loving child, an empath child, a saviour child, built and wired to connect, you’ll go through so much death and loss and grief just to get to this point. You understand now—they cannot change, will not change, even if they lose nothing. They’ll choose their narcissism, their self-protection, every time. And that’s what makes letting go so hard but so necessary.
This process is about your heart, your loving heart, and what it needs to heal. You’ve spent years holding onto that caretaker identity, that saviour role, because you want to survive this relationship. You want to connect, to be in a relationship with them, because that need for your parent is so strong. But Mindful explains that trauma bonds thrive on this fear of disconnection, making us cling to what hurts because it’s familiar. Awakening to this is painful but freeing. You see their pain, yes, but you also see your own—how you’ve protected yourself from the loneliness, how you’ve held onto this bond because it’s all you’ve known.
Heal CPTSD, Mend Narcissistic Somatic Trauma Symptoms, speaks to this journey—acknowledging the deep-seated pain while pointing toward healing.
Awakening to Your Own Self-Protection
Here’s where it gets real: you start to see your own layers of self-protection. You notice how tightly you’ve held onto that saviour identity, how you’ve behaved in ways to avoid feeling the full weight of this pain. It’s not just them protecting their pain—it’s you, too. The willingness to endure disconnection, to tolerate loneliness, is so strong because the pain of facing it feels overwhelming. But heaven forbid you open up, you might have to face your own wounds, and that’s scary.
This awakening is a gift. You see how much you’ve carried, how much you’ve tried to make it work. You realize that the need for connection, that love for your parent, comes from a wound they can’t heal. It’s not about hardening your heart; it’s about softening it toward yourself. For those searching for CPTSD recovery or narcissistic somatic trauma, this is where the healing begins.
Choosing Yourself, Finding Freedom
Letting go doesn’t mean you stop loving them—your empathetic heart will always care. But it means choosing yourself. It’s setting boundaries, even when they feel foreign. It’s knowing your worth isn’t tied to their approval. It’s grieving the parent you wished for and accepting the one you have—or don’t have. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) emphasizes that boundaries are crucial with narcissistic behaviour. You can say, “I see your pain, but I won’t carry it anymore.”
That pull to connect might linger—it’s wired into you. But you can redirect that love inward, filling the emptiness with self-compassion and relationships that uplift you. My work is dedicated to guiding you through this. As a holistic nurse psychotherapist, I provide complex trauma-informed psychotherapy through The Integrative Somatic Trauma Healing Approach – this blends a psychosomatic, mindfulness-based framework, gestalt-methodology with a faith-based lens. Specializing in CPTSD and narcissistic somatic symptoms, including psychosomatic disorders and immune dysfunction, I provide unique, integrative, holistic solutions for faith-oriented clients.
Take the First Step Toward Healing
You’ve carried this trauma bond for years, cycling through pain, forgiveness, and hope. You’ve felt the cuts, the shaming, the emptiness, and still, you’ve loved so deeply. Now, it’s time to break free—not by shutting your heart, but by opening it to yourself. You deserve a life where your love, your empathy, and your energy are honoured. Healing from narcissistic abuse and CPTSD is possible, and it starts with you.
Ready to start? Book a consultation today to explore how The Integrative Somatic Trauma Healing Approach can help you process narcissistic trauma, mend somatic symptoms, and reclaim your peace. Book a free consultation and begin your journey to freedom. You are enough, and you are worth it.
