Why Does It Hurt When Your Sorry Isn’t Enough?
You’re lying in bed, phone face down, heart still racing. A friend just unloaded on you—over something small, like parking at their place without texting first. You apologized right away, promised to do better, but the lecture kept coming. Ten minutes of how could you, why are you like this, like you broke something sacred instead of just… parking. If you’re healing from narcissistic patterns, codependency, or even BPD echoes, this hits deep. Your chest tightens, your stomach knots—it’s not just embarrassment. It’s shame, and it feels like you’re twelve again, getting scolded for existing.
This isn’t just a fight gone wrong. It’s dysregulation—hers, maybe yours too. You’re not too sensitive. Your body is signalling unsafe, and that’s valid. Dr. Gabor Maté, a trauma and addiction expert, says chronic stress can turn emotional pain into a need to control others, not connect. When someone keeps shaming you after you’ve owned your mistake, it’s not about you—it’s their nervous system dumping stress. Let’s unpack how to spot this, protect yourself, and keep the friendship without losing your peace.
When Anger Turns Toxic: Understanding Dysregulation
You know the scene: you made a small mistake—maybe you didn’t call ahead, or you missed a detail because life’s hectic. Your friend, someone you love, blows up. Not just I’m upset, but a full-on tirade that doesn’t stop even after you say I’m sorry, I’ll fix it. Why? Because they’re not just mad—they’re dysregulated. Bessel van der Kolk, in The Body Keeps the Score, explains that trauma lives in the body, hijacking the nervous system. When someone’s under stress—like an abusive relationship or overwhelming responsibilities—their brain flips to survival mode: fight, flight, or freeze. Yelling past your apology? That’s fight mode, unloading their pain onto you.
“Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result.” – Gabor Maté (drgabormate.com)
If your friend’s in a tough spot—say, an abusive marriage or parenting stress—they might lean on you as a safe space. That’s okay… until it’s not. When their anger feels disproportionate, like parking becomes a betrayal, it’s not about the car. It’s their trauma spilling over. Psychology Today’s articles on narcissistic abuse describe this as shame-dumping: using criticism to offload emotional overwhelm. You’re not their punching bag, even if you’ve been their rock through debt, health struggles, or heartbreak.
Your Body Knows: Listening to the Somatic Signals
Here’s where it gets real—your body’s screaming before your brain catches up. That tightness in your chest? The way your shoulders hunch when they keep going off? That’s your nervous system saying this isn’t right. Stephen Porges’ polyvagal theory, detailed at the Polyvagal Institute (stephenporges.com), explains how we scan for safety cues. When someone shames you past reason, your body shifts to defense—maybe you freeze, maybe you over-apologize. If you’re healing from codependency or narcissistic abuse, this feels like home: I must’ve done something awful.
But pause. You’re not awful. You’re human. Peter Levine, a somatic experiencing pioneer, says trauma healing starts with noticing your body’s signals without fixing them (traumahealing.org). Try this right now: put your phone down, feet flat on the floor. Inhale for four counts, exhale for six. Feel your hands on your thighs. That’s a somatic reset, grounding you back to safe. When shame hits, don’t argue or shrink—just breathe. Your body’s telling you what’s toxic before your mind agrees.
“The body keeps the score: if trauma is encoded in the nervous system, so is healing.” – Bessel van der Kolk (besselvanderkolk.com)
Setting Quiet Boundaries: Less Heart, More Space
You don’t have to end the friendship. You don’t have to scream you’re toxic! either. The answer is quieter: boundaries. Not walls, not ghosting—just space. You stop parking at their place. You skip the 2 a.m. vent calls. You text back, Hey, all good, catch you later, and keep it light. No big speech about how you’ve been their therapist through their abusive husband or jobless days. Just… less access to your heart.
This is what the National Domestic Violence Hotline calls gray rocking in narcissistic dynamics: you stay neutral, not feeding their need for drama (thehotline.org). You’re not punishing them—you’re protecting you. Psychology Today notes that narcissistic shaming thrives on your emotional reaction, so don’t give it. If they’re dysregulated, that’s their work, not yours. You’re allowed to say, I apologized, I’ll do better, but I’m not here for shame. And then? Step back. Silence does the talking.
Empathy Without Exhaustion: Accepting Their Capacity
Here’s the empathetic part: your friend might not see it. They’re stuck—maybe in survival mode, maybe mirroring the control they face at home. Gabor Maté writes that trauma can make people rigid, needing things just so to feel safe. That’s not your fault, but it’s also not your job to fix. Accepting their capacity means letting them be where they are: angry, defensive, unable to hear your sorry. You don’t argue them into grace. You don’t beg for it either. You nod, say I hear you, and keep your distance.
This isn’t cold—it’s clear. You’re still friends, but not the spill-your-soul kind. Not right now. If they come back with a real apology—not sorry, but you—you’ll meet them halfway. Until then, you’re not their emotional landfill. The Trauma Research Foundation backs this: healing from toxic dynamics starts with self-compassion, not over-giving (traumaresearchfoundation.org).
Practical Steps to Protect Your Peace
Ready to move forward? Here’s a gentle plan to stay grounded without losing yourself:
- Notice the Somatic Cue: When shame hits, pause. Feel the tightness or heat. Breathe: four in, six out. Peter Levine’s somatic work helps here (traumahealing.org).
- Validate Their Right, Not Their Reaction: They can be upset—parking’s a boundary for them, fine. But shaming past your apology? That’s toxic. Name it in your head: This is dysregulation, not feedback.
- Set Quiet Boundaries: No favours, no deep talks. Keep it surface-level: Hey, good to hear from you. No explanation needed. Psychology Today’s narcissistic abuse guide supports this (psychologytoday.com).
- Trust Your Gut: If it feels unsafe, it is. You don’t need proof. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has resources on spotting verbal abuse patterns (thehotline.org).
- Write It Out: Journal or blog the raw truth: I said sorry, and it wasn’t enough. Someone else needs to read it at 2 a.m. and know they’re not alone.
You Deserve Friends Who Stop at Sorry
You’re not abandoning anyone. You’re choosing relationships where sorry ends the fight, not starts the flogging. Healing means seeing the difference: anger is human; shame-dumping is control. You’ve been the safe space, the listener, the fixer—now be that for yourself. Pull back. Breathe. Let their dysregulation be their work.
When you’re ready, share this. Someone’s awake right now, feeling small, needing to hear: You’re not too sensitive. You’re just awake. And that’s where the healing starts.
If you’d like support in navigating difficult relationships and friendships and would like trauma-informed support in your authentic, driven growth, reach out to book a free consultation.
