If you’re up late, replaying that snap from your partner, parent, or friend, this is for you. You forgot to text ahead, said sorry right away, offered to fix it… and the rant kept coming. Now your gut’s twisting: Was it really that bad? Or is this the old shame creeping in? If you’ve survived narcissistic abuse, codependency, or BPD echoes, every upset feels like a trap. But here’s the truth: people will get upset. Life’s messy. You’re not perfect. The key? Discerning human grace from toxic projection. Let’s break it down—slow, like a midnight voice note—so you stop gaslighting yourself into thinking small slips mean you’re broken.
The Trauma Trap: Why Upset Feels Like Control After Narcissistic Abuse
Picture this: you make an innocent mistake—no malice, just human. They blow up. You apologize, drop defences, and commit to change. But instead of “Thanks, let’s move on,” it’s endless “How could you?” loops. That extra shame? It’s your trauma talking. Dr. Gabor Maté explains in The Myth of Normal how childhood shame wires us to over-absorb criticism, turning feedback into self-annihilation. After narcissistic abuse, where every flaw was weaponized, a partner’s “I’m upset” floods you with “I’m worthless.” Bessel van der Kolk, in The Body Keeps the Score, calls it somatic memory—your body replays the freeze, knotting your stomach like old wounds reopening.
You’re not overreacting. The trauma amps volume: a small upset becomes a shame storm, leaving you defensive or shrunk. But grace exists—you deserve space to own mistakes without extra lashes. If their reaction dwarfs your slip (parking vs. betrayal vibes), it’s not you. It’s dysregulation projecting.
Healthy Upset vs. Toxic Shame Loops: Know the Difference
People have every right to get upset—it’s communication, not punishment. Healthy anger owns feelings: “I felt overwhelmed when you didn’t call ahead; next time, a heads-up helps.” Done. Repair. No lingering blame.
Toxic shame? It loops after accountability. You say sorry, they keep shaming: “You’re always so careless—how do you even function?” That’s not feedback; it’s discharge. Psychology Today on narcissistic abuse notes this as “shame dumping,” where the upset person unloads unresolved crap onto you, especially if you’re safe and empathetic. After your apology and corrective action? If they stew and project bigger frustration, trust your gut—it’s disproportionate.
Discern like this:
- Proportional? Matches the mistake’s size. Innocent slip? Quick vent, then grace.
- Shame-Fueled? Feels vindictive, ignores your fix, echoes past abuse (“You’re just like…”).
- Projection? Their stress (abusive home, burnout) explodes over your tiny thing. Somatic experts like Peter Levine in Waking the Tiger say dysregulation hijacks boundaries—you become the outlet.
You don’t dismiss their right to feel—it was inconvenient. But you don’t absorb the overflow. Gut check: Was it vindictive? No? Then it’s human. Bigger reaction? Dysregulated dump.
Gut Instinct: When Their Reaction Feels Way Too Big
That inner whisper—”This isn’t matching”—is gold. After trauma, we gaslight ourselves: “Maybe I am awful.” Stop. You’re a good person; small imperfections happen. If they shame-loop over nothing (forgotten text = world-ending), it’s their storm, not your fault.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline highlights verbal abuse patterns: chronic overreactions erode self-trust, mimicking narcissistic control. Feel it in your body? Knots, flinch, shutdown? Van der Kolk’s research shows this as trauma replay—don’t override it. Discern: Big deal or small? Their right to upset ends where your shame begins. You get grace, too.
Somatic Tools to Break the Shame Cycle and Set Boundaries
Breathe first—don’t fix. Try this 3-step reset from polyvagal therapy (Stephen Porges’ work via the Polyvagal Institute):
- Ground: Feet on floor, notice tension. Label: “Shame rising—not fact.”
- Breathe: Inhale 4 counts, exhale 6. Cues safety, dials down cortisol.
- Boundary Whisper: “I own my part; their excess is theirs.” No debate—just space.
Distance if needed: “I hear you; need time to process.” No more deep access. Maté emphasizes compassion for yourself first—healing means trusting your gut over their volume. Stay away from reactionary energy; it’s toxic for your nervous system.
Why This Matters: Reclaim Grace Without Self-Gaslighting
You will upset people—innocently. Own it, apologize, repair. But post-accountability shame? That’s not growth; it’s control. In parents/partners/friends, it recreates abuse cycles. Break free: Affirm “I’m good; mistakes don’t define me.” Attract relationships with mutual grace.
If it’s looping big, step back. You’re not dismissing— you’re discerning. Your gut knows: small thing, massive blast? Dysregulated, not you. Heal by trusting that. You’ve survived worse; this? Just weather.
Need support navigating and finding clarity in these dynamics? Feel free to book a consultation to explore how this would look for you and your situation.
Backlinks:
- Dr. Gabor Maté on Shame & Trauma
- Bessel van der Kolk: The Body Keeps the Score
- Psychology Today: Recognizing Narcissistic Shame
- Peter Levine Somatic Experiencing
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: Verbal Abuse
- Polyvagal Institute: Safety Cues) When Upset Turns Toxic: How to Spot Shame Loops in Relationships and Protect Your Peace
