It’s 3 AM, and your phone’s too quiet. The glow of the screen feels like a spotlight on your doubts. You sent three texts—maybe four, if you’re being real. One had a heart emoji, another a question, maybe one was practically a love letter. And now? Nothing. Just silence that screams louder than any notification ever could. Your mind’s racing: Did I say too much? Am I too needy? Is he with someone else? You tell yourself it’s no big deal—not everyone responds right away. But your heart’s not buying it. It knows this feeling, this ache, from every other time someone left you hanging with a half-hearted “lol” or no reply at all. You’ve been here before, chasing someone who’s not really there. Someone who says, I’m not ready, but I don’t want to lose you. And yet, you keep showing up, heart wide open, boundaries folded away like last season’s clothes.
But here’s the truth, whispered in the quiet of your room: the problem isn’t him. It’s not even the silence. It’s you. Not because you’re broken or “too much,” but because you’re giving your heart to someone who hasn’t earned it. You’re pouring your soul into a cup with holes, then wondering why you feel empty. This isn’t about being an “emotional slut”—drop that word, it’s just shame dressed up as judgment. This is about being so generous with your love that you forget to save some for yourself.
The Mirror of Emotional Unavailability
Here’s the kicker: the people you chase? They’re mirrors. That guy who takes hours to reply—or doesn’t— isn’t just ghosting you. He’s showing you something you’ve been dodging: you’re avoiding yourself. The emotionally unavailable ones reflect the ways you’ve been unavailable to your own needs, your own dreams, your own heart. You’ve been so busy texting poetry to someone who’s still got one foot in their ex’s apartment that you’ve forgotten to write a single line for yourself.
Think about your social media game. You’re posting videos—great lighting, witty captions, maybe even a filter or two. But the views are flat. The likes don’t come. You blame the algorithm, but maybe it’s not the algorithm. Maybe it’s you. Not because you’re not good enough, but because you’re performing for an audience you don’t even trust. You’re begging the world to notice you when you haven’t fully noticed yourself. According to Psychology Today, self-worth starts with self-attention—giving yourself the time and space to see your own value. So, flip the script. Make that next video for you. Not for him, not for followers, not for validation. Just to say, I’m here. I exist. If no one watches, that’s okay. You’re not posting for them. You’re proving something to yourself: you’re done hiding.
Why It Hurts So Much
That ache in your chest? It’s not just about this guy. It’s older. It’s childhood neglect, the times no one showed up when you cried, the moments you learned your needs were too much. So now, you seek connection like it’s oxygen, and every unanswered text feels like suffocation. The Mayo Clinic explains that unresolved emotional wounds can manifest as patterns in relationships, like chasing unavailable partners. You’re not needy—you’re human. But you’ve turned attention into an addiction, chasing it from people who can’t give it.
Here’s the lie you’ve believed: if you give more, they’ll finally see you. If you text one more time, explain one more feeling, they’ll get it. But they already see you. They just don’t have the capacity—or the desire—to hold you. And that’s not your fault. It’s theirs. But it is your signal to stop. To turn inward. To ask: What am I avoiding in myself?
Breaking the Cycle: Stop Chasing, Start Healing
You don’t need to block him or delete the thread (though, honestly, that might help). You just need to pause. Here’s how to stop chasing emotionally unavailable people and start showing up for yourself. These steps aren’t about becoming someone else—they’re about becoming more you.
1. Let Silence Be Your Boundary
Next time he doesn’t reply, don’t fill the void. No follow-up text. No “you okay?” No emojis. Just let it sit. Not to punish him, but to protect you. Silence isn’t rejection—it’s clarity. Use it. Ask yourself: What do I need right now? Not from him. From you. Maybe it’s a walk. Maybe it’s a prayer. Maybe it’s just sitting still and breathing. The American Psychological Association says mindfulness—being present with your own emotions—can rewire how you respond to stress. So try it. Be present. Let the quiet teach you.
2. Own Your Part (Without Shame)
You’ve been on the other side. You’ve been the one who was emotionally unavailable, taking without giving, talking to someone just to fill your own emptiness. And that’s okay—you were surviving. But now you see it. That’s repentance. Not the loud, churchy kind. The quiet kind. The kind where you go to God and say, I hurt people. I didn’t mean to. Forgive me. And you mean it. According to Verywell Mind, self-forgiveness is a key step in breaking destructive patterns. It’s not about erasing the past—it’s about giving yourself permission to grow.
3. Do One Tiny Thing for You
Every day, do one thing that says, I’m here. It doesn’t have to be big. Journal a sentence. Stretch for five minutes. Post a 30-second video with no filter, no agenda. Whisper a prayer: God, see me. The National Alliance on Mental Illness emphasizes that small, consistent acts of self-care build resilience over time. Avoidance is the ex you keep letting back in. Kick it out. Show up for yourself, even when it feels awkward.
4. Redirect the Craving
When you want to text him, don’t. Text God instead. Sounds weird, but try it. Hey, I’m lonely. I want to be seen. Say it out loud. In the car, in the shower, in bed. Wherever. The Cleveland Clinic notes that spiritual practices, like prayer, can anchor you during emotional turbulence. You’re not needy for wanting connection—you’re human. But you’ve been looking in the wrong places. Look up. Look in. That’s where the real stuff lives.
The Attraction of Self-Love
Here’s the secret: when you stop chasing, you start attracting. Not because you’re trying harder, but because you’re full. You’re not performing for likes or begging for texts. You’re just… you. And that’s magnetic. The Harvard Health Blog explains that self-compassion—treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend—can shift how others perceive you. When you make that next video, don’t make it for the algorithm. Make it for the version of you that’s been waiting to be noticed. The one who’s been whispering since you were a kid: I’m worth it.
And if no one watches? That’s okay. You’re not posting for them. You’re posting to prove you’re done avoiding. You’re done giving your heart to people who don’t show up. You’re done letting the world decide your worth. Because God already decided. And he’s not ghosting you.
When He Doesn’t Text Back
Next time you feel that sting—the one where he takes too long, or doesn’t reply at all—don’t take it as proof you’re not enough. Take it as a signal. Not that you deserve unavailability, but that you’re still learning to be available to yourself. Every unanswered text is a nudge: Hey. Come back to you. You’re not attracted to his distance because you’re broken. You’re attracted to it because it’s familiar. But familiarity isn’t love. It’s a habit. And habits break.
The Greater Good Science Center says breaking relationship patterns starts with recognizing what you’re repeating. You’ve already done that. You see it now: the chasing, the over-giving, the waiting for someone to validate you. So stop. Not cold turkey—that’s too harsh. Just slow. When you want to text him your whole heart, pause. Write it in a note instead. Say, I feel this. And that’s enough. And then do something else. Paint your nails. Pray. Watch a dumb show. Anything that says, I’m here, and I’m not running.
The Endgame: You Are Enough
You don’t need his texts to feel alive. You don’t need a thousand likes to feel seen. You just need to stop avoiding the one person who’s been waiting for you your whole life: you. And God? He’s been there all along, watching, listening, never ghosting. So thank Him. Thank Him for the silence that woke you up. Thank Him for the pain that taught you. Thank Him for the mirror that showed you your own face.
Tomorrow, wake up. Do one thing for you. Maybe it’s a coffee with no phone. Maybe it’s a video where you say what you actually mean. Maybe it’s just sitting still and saying, I’m here. I’m enough. And when the craving comes—because it will—don’t text him. Don’t scroll for him. Scroll inward. That’s where the connection is. That’s where the healing is. And that’s where the love you’ve been chasing has been hiding all along.
If you’d like support with healing neglect wounds from childhood or emotionally unavailable relationships, feel free to book a consultation where we can explore what healing would look like for you, so you can begin the journey of becoming magnetic.
