You know that feeling when you’re not quite in your body, like you’re floating somewhere else, watching life unfold from a distance? Maybe your head’s in the clouds, lost in a daydream about a life where you feel safe, loved, or just… enough. That’s dissociation, and if you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, it probably feels like second nature. It’s your mind’s way of shielding you from pain that’s too heavy to carry. Whether it’s a parent’s relentless criticism, a partner’s subtle shaming, or a family dynamic that leaves you feeling small, narcissistic abuse cuts deep. But here’s the good news: you can heal. You can peel back those layers of dissociation and dismissiveness, open your heart, and step into a life where you feel truly connected and worthy. Let’s walk through what this journey looks like, from understanding the impact of narcissistic abuse to breaking free and rediscovering who you are.
What Is Narcissistic Abuse and Why It Hurts So Much
Narcissistic abuse comes from people—often those closest to you, like parents, partners, or even friends—who make you feel less than to prop themselves up. It’s the constant drip of criticism, name-calling, or belittling comments that chip away at your sense of self. You’ve probably heard things like “You’re too sensitive,” “You’ll never be good enough,” or “Why can’t you be more like [someone else]?” These aren’t just hurtful words; they’re designed to shame you into believing you’re flawed. According to the Mayo Clinic, narcissistic behaviour often stems from a need for control and superiority, which can leave you questioning your worth over and over again.
For many, especially in cultures where family dynamics normalize harsh criticism—like in some Asian, South Asian, or Middle Eastern households—this abuse feels like just how things are. It’s the parent who calls you lazy for not getting perfect grades or the partner who rolls their eyes at your dreams. It’s not always loud or obvious; sometimes it’s subtle, like a sigh or a comparison that stings. But it adds up, and it leaves you with this heavy, sinking feeling that you’re not enough. That’s not your fault, and it’s not true. The first step to healing is recognizing that this isn’t just “tough love”—it’s abuse, and it’s wrong.
Why Dissociation Becomes Your Go-To Coping Mechanism
When the pain of narcissistic abuse feels too much, your mind finds a way to cope: dissociation. It’s like hitting the eject button on reality. Maybe you space out, lose chunks of time, or feel like you’re watching yourself from the outside. For some, it’s milder—daydreaming about a better life, escaping into a fantasy where love and validation exist. You might imagine a perfect partner or a version of your life where you’re free from judgment. For others, it can escalate into something more intense, like dissociative identity disorder, where parts of your identity feel fragmented.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) explains that dissociation is your brain’s way of protecting you from trauma. It’s like a mental lifeboat, keeping you afloat when the waves of criticism and shame crash over you. But over time, it leaves you disconnected—from your body, your emotions, and even your sense of who you are. You might feel like you’re living in a fog, stuck in a dream world, because facing reality feels too raw. That’s not weakness; it’s survival. But it comes at a cost, and you might notice it in the way you feel numb, detached, or just… not yourself.
The Layers of Dismissiveness: Tolerating the Intolerable
Here’s where it gets tricky. Growing up with narcissistic abuse, you probably learned to brush it off. “That’s just how they are,” you tell yourself when a parent calls you a failure or a partner dismisses your feelings. You make excuses: “They had a tough childhood,” or “They’re just stressed.” Maybe you even feel like you owe them because they’ve provided for you—money, shelter, food, a roof over your head. So you tolerate the shaming, the put-downs, the comparisons that make them feel superior. This dismissiveness becomes a habit, a way to keep the peace and survive.
But deep down, your body knows it’s not okay. You’re tired, drained, and you don’t know why. That exhaustion isn’t just physical—it’s the weight of carrying shame that doesn’t belong to you. The American Psychological Association (APA) notes that prolonged exposure to narcissistic behaviour can erode self-esteem, making it hard to even recognize abuse for what it is. You’ve built armour to cope, but that armour keeps you disconnected from your heart. You might say, “It’s not a big deal,” but your body feels the toll—tightness in your chest, a heaviness you can’t shake, or a loneliness that lingers.
The Cultural Lens: Why Some Communities Feel This More
In certain cultures, narcissistic abuse can feel like it’s woven into the fabric of family life. In many Asian, South Asian, or Middle Eastern households, for example, high expectations and harsh criticism are often framed as tough love. Parents might compare you to others, shame your choices, or dismiss your feelings to push you to succeed. It’s not always intentional cruelty, but the impact is real. You internalize the message that you’re not enough—not smart enough, not successful enough, just not enough. This dynamic can be especially intense in immigrant families, where survival and success are tied to family honour, leaving little room for your individuality.
It’s not just cultural, though—it happens across all communities. But in some, the normalization of criticism makes it harder to see the abuse for what it is. You might grow up thinking it’s normal for a parent to belittle your efforts or for a partner to make you feel small. Over time, you learn to shrug it off, to build walls around your heart to keep going. But those walls—those layers of dismissiveness—keep you from truly connecting with yourself and others. The Cleveland Clinic highlights how narcissistic abuse can be particularly insidious in close relationships, where emotional manipulation feels like love or duty.
The Turning Point: Saying “It’s Not Okay”
Healing starts with a simple but radical act: saying, “This is not okay.” It’s about noticing those moments when someone’s words or actions make you feel small and refusing to let it slide. It’s hard, especially when you’ve spent years—maybe decades—making excuses for the people who hurt you. You might feel like you owe them because they raised you, housed you, or paid for your education. But here’s the truth: you don’t owe anyone your self-worth. Those little shame messages—the criticisms, the comparisons, the dismissals—aren’t yours to carry.
This is where the real work begins. You start to see the abuse for what it is, not just “how they are.” It’s not about them having a hard past or being stressed—it’s about the impact on you. The National Domestic Violence Hotline emphasizes that emotional abuse, like narcissistic behaviour, is just as damaging as physical abuse. Recognizing this can feel like waking up from a long sleep. It’s scary because it means challenging the coping mechanisms you’ve relied on—like dissociation and dismissiveness—that helped you survive.
Stripping Away the Armour: Healing Dissociation and Dismissiveness
Healing from narcissistic abuse means peeling back those layers of armour you’ve built. It’s about letting go of the dissociation that keeps you floating above reality and the dismissiveness that lets you tolerate the intolerable. This isn’t easy. It can bring up anxiety, discomfort, even pain, because you’re stepping out of the “comfortable” pain of coping and into the raw, unfamiliar pain of healing. According to Psychology Today, reconnecting with your body and emotions often involves facing the trauma head-on, which can feel overwhelming at first.
Start by noticing. Pay attention to those moments when you feel drained after being around certain people. Notice when you’re tempted to shrug off a cruel comment or make excuses for someone’s behaviour. Your body knows—it’s that tightness in your chest, that knot in your stomach, that exhaustion you can’t explain. Therapy can be a game-changer here. Working with a therapist who understands trauma and narcissistic abuse can help you unpack those layers of shame and reconnect with your true self. The American Psychological Association highlights therapy as a powerful tool for rebuilding self-esteem and processing trauma.
You might also try grounding techniques to bring yourself back into your body. Simple practices like deep breathing, journaling, or even feeling your feet on the ground can help you stay present. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) suggests mindfulness as a way to manage dissociation, helping you feel safe in your own skin. It’s about learning to live with an open, softer heart—not one shielded by armour or lost in a fantasy world.
Embracing Your Worth: Living with an Open Heart
As you heal, you’ll start to see that you are enough—exactly as you are. Those messages of shame? They’re not yours. They were never yours. Healing means saying no to the criticism, the comparisons, the put-downs, and yes to your own worth. It’s about living with an open, connected heart, even when it feels scary. You might worry about rocking the boat with family or partners, but choosing yourself is the most powerful act of healing you can do.
This doesn’t mean cutting everyone off—though setting boundaries is key. It means recognizing when someone’s behaviour crosses a line and not letting it slide. It means choosing relationships that lift you up, not tear you down. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers great resources on setting healthy boundaries, which can protect your heart as you heal.
The Path Forward: You’re Not Alone
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, and it’s not one you have to walk alone. Those micro-moments of shame—the little criticisms, the subtle dismissals—build up over time, creating disconnect and loneliness. But you can break that cycle. You can strip away the armour, step out of dissociation, and stop dismissing your pain. It starts with believing you’re worthy of a life where you feel safe, connected, and whole.
I’d love to support you on this path. If you’re ready to start healing, I invite you to reach out for a free consultation. Together, we can work through those layers of shame, help you reconnect with your heart, and build a life where you feel truly enough. Because you are. You always have been.
