You know that feeling, right? That emotional dose of relief in your chest when he finally texts back—after hours of nothing. Or when that business idea gets a half-hearted nod, but not the full yes you’re craving. It’s like you’re hooked on scraps, those tiny glimmers of what could be, and you keep chasing, hoping, waiting for the whole damn thing. But here’s the real talk: those crumbs aren’t just messing with your head—they’re messing with your heart, your lungs, your whole body. And deep down, you know you deserve more.
This isn’t about shaming you for wanting what you want. It’s about seeing the cycle for what it is—an addiction to inconsistency—and learning how to break free from it. Let’s unpack why you’re stuck, how it’s hurting you, and how to start healing, so you can claim the whole damn thing in love, business, and life.
The Crumbs Trap: Why It Feels So Damn Good (Until It Doesn’t)
Ever wonder why a single text from that emotionally unavailable guy feels like an emotional high? Or why does the potential “maybe” from another business idea get you fired up for a moment? It’s not just you being “extra.” Your brain’s wired for it.
Dr. Gabor Maté, a leading expert on trauma and addiction, says this chase often stems from old wounds—times when love or approval came in fits and starts, if at all. In his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, Maté writes, “Addictions are attempts to soothe pain. They’re not about the substance or behaviour; they’re about the hurt underneath.” If you grew up with inconsistent attention—or even if you didn’t, but past relationships taught you to settle—your brain gets hooked on the high of chasing what’s just out of reach. That text, that deal, that hope? It’s a dopamine hit, and it keeps you coming back, even when it stings.
But those crumbs? They’re not feeding you. They’re keeping you hungry, stuck in a loop of wanting more. And that hunger doesn’t just live in your head—it’s physical, and it’s taking a toll.
How Crumbs Hurt Your Heart, Lungs, and Immune System
Notice how your chest tightens when you’re waiting for that text that never comes consistently? Or how you’re suddenly coughing or exhausted after another let-down? That’s not you being “dramatic.” Your body’s keeping score.
Bessel van der Kolk, in his groundbreaking book The Body Keeps the Score, explains that emotional stress—like chasing unavailable people or goals—lives in your body. “Trauma and stress dysregulate the nervous system,” he writes, “which can manifest as physical symptoms, from chronic pain to weakened immunity.” When you’re stuck chasing crumbs, your body stays in fight-or-flight mode. Cortisol spikes, your heart races, your lungs feel like they’re only half-working. Over time, that chronic stress taxes your immune system, making you more prone to colds, fatigue, or even bigger health issues.
Think about it: every time you hold your breath for that next breadcrumb—whether it’s a text or a business win—your body’s holding the stress too. Your lungs don’t expand fully, your heart’s working overtime, and your immune system’s begging for a break. The chase isn’t just breaking your heart; it’s breaking your body.
The Addiction to “What Could Be”
Here’s where it gets raw. It’s not just the guy or the business deal you’re chasing—it’s the fantasy of what could be. The fantasy where he shows up fully, loves you like you deserve, or your launch goes viral and changes everything. You’re addicted to the hope, not the reality. And that hope? It’s a liar. It keeps you stuck. Whispering “just one more try” will get you the whole damn thing.
Maté calls this the “void” we’re trying to fill—an emptiness from not feeling worthy enough as you are. You chase the unavailable because, deep down, you’re scared the full thing isn’t for you. So you settle for scraps, because scraps feel familiar. Safe, even. But safe doesn’t mean healthy.
When you chase crumbs, you’re not honouring your heart. You’re teaching it to settle, to survive on less than it deserves. And your body knows—those tight lungs, that racing pulse, that bone-deep exhaustion? They’re your heart’s SOS, begging you to stop running after what doesn’t show up consistently and available the way you deserve.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Stop Chasing and Start Healing
So how do you quit the crumbs? It’s not about willpower—it’s about awakening and choosing your pain. Either way, it’s going to hurt – it’s going to keep hurting chasing breadcrumbs, and it hurts detaching from the crumbs. You need a reset. It’s finally seeing clear enough that you deserve better than this. Here’s how to start, step by messy step, like you’re talking to your best friend who gets it.
1. Name the Pattern
Next time you’re waiting for that text or that email, pause. Say it out loud: “This is the crumbs talking.” Naming it pulls you out of the trance and seeing it for what it is. Maté says awareness is the first step to breaking any addiction—you can’t change what you don’t see. So see it. Call it what it is. You’re not chasing love or success—you’re chasing crumbs masked as potential.
2. Breathe Back into Your Heart
Your lungs are your superpower here. When you’re caught in the chase, your breath gets shallow, like you’re bracing for disappointment. Try this: close your eyes, put a hand on your chest, and breathe deep for a minute. Feel your lungs expand. Van der Kolk says slow, intentional breathing calms the nervous system, helping your body unlearn the stress response. It’s like telling your heart, “Hey, we’re good. No more chasing.” Over time, those deep breaths can help your lungs—and your immune system—heal from the toll of the chase.
3. Give Yourself the Whole Damn Thing
You don’t need him—or that deal—to feel full. Start small: buy yourself that coffee you love, take that course you’ve been eyeing, pitch that business idea without waiting for a green light. Every time you choose you, you’re teaching your brain that you are the feast, not the crumbs. Maté calls this “self-compassion”—not some woo-woo fluff, but a radical act of rewiring your worth. In love, it means walking away from anyone who can’t show up fully. In business, it means launching with your whole heart, not half-assing it out of fear.
4. Reframe Consistency as Sexy
Here’s a truth bomb: consistent people or opportunities might feel boring at first. Why? Because your brain’s used to the rollercoaster of crumbs. But consistency isn’t dull—it’s safe, and safe lets you grow. Start noticing the reliable stuff: the friend who always texts back, the client who pays on time, the sunrise that shows up every damn day. Let those retrain your brain to crave steady over shaky.
5. Honour Your Body’s Wisdom
Your body’s been trying to tell you something. Those tight lungs, that racing heart—they’re not random. They are signs you’re not honouring your worth. Next time you feel that physical pull, listen. Maybe it’s a walk, a nap, or just saying “no” to someone who’s stringing you along. Van der Kolk emphasizes that healing trauma—and addiction—starts with listening to your body’s signals. When you do, your heart starts to trust you, your lungs open up, and your immune system gets a chance to recover.
Reclaiming the Whole Damn Thing
You deserve the whole damn thing—not just in love, but in business, in life, in every breath you take. That means no more settling for half-assed texts or maybes. No more launching your dreams with one foot out the door. You’re not here to perform for scraps—you’re here to show up fully, for yourself.
The next time you catch yourself chasing crumbs, remember: you’re not broken. You’re just wired for a pattern that’s ready to break. Every deep breath, every choice to choose you, every moment you say “I deserve the whole damn thing” is a step toward healing. Your heart knows it. Your lungs know it. Your body’s been waiting for you to catch up.
So go for it. Launch that project with your whole heart. Walk away from anyone who can’t match your energy. You’re not just enough—you’re everything. And the whole damn thing? It’s already yours.
If you would like support with healing from this toxic cycle of love addiction and codependency, feel free to book with a therapist who’s been there and can walk through this road to liberation with you. Book a free 15-minute consultation.
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