Safety note: If you are in danger, call 911. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. If your devices may be monitored, access these resources from a safe device.
I want to tell you something most Christian women in narcissistic abuse recovery do not realize about themselves.
You are not still in contact with him because you want to go back. You know going back would be a mistake. You have named it. You have grieved it. The romantic part of you is already done.
You are still in contact with him because you want him to acknowledge what he did.
You want the apology. You want the recognition. You want him to finally see, finally name, finally take responsibility for the harm. You are not waiting for reconciliation. You are waiting for closure.
I want to share what I see in this work, in the women I sit with through this exact season.
He is not going to give it to you. Not while you are in contact. Not while you are available. The acknowledgement you are waiting for is the very thing your continued contact prevents.
Why He Will Not Apologize While You Are There
A man capable of the abuse you experienced is not capable of the kind of accountability you are hoping for — not while he still has access to you. The very dynamic of his abuse rests on never having to face what he did. As long as you are there, willing to engage, willing to respond to his messages, willing to keep showing up — he does not have to face it. You are providing the very access that makes facing himself unnecessary.
The acknowledgement only becomes possible (and even then, often not at all) when his access ends. When the door fully closes. When you are no longer there to receive the next message, the next manipulation, the next round of him being able to define what happened.
While you are available, he gets to be the one writing the story. You are just hoping he eventually writes a chapter that says “I was wrong.”
He is not going to.
Why You Are Really Still in Contact
Let me name what is actually happening. I see it in almost every woman I sit with.
You are not in contact because you have hope.
You are in contact because letting go is going to hurt in a way you have not yet been willing to face.
It is going to feel like loneliness. It is going to feel like emptiness. It is going to feel — for some women — like wanting to die for a season, until the body learns it can survive without his presence.
The continued contact, even the painful contact, even the contact that makes you sick, is preventing that more terrible feeling from arriving. It is the addiction logic. Better the partial fix than the full withdrawal.
You are not staying because of love. You are staying to avoid the withdrawal.
The Closure Lie
The cultural concept of “closure” is often the most dangerous lie a woman can chase from her abuser.
Closure is supposed to come from receiving acknowledgement, apology, narrative completion. But for women in abuse recovery, the closure they are looking for is something the abuser is structurally incapable of giving. He will not acknowledge. He will not apologize. He will not agree to the narrative. He will gaslight, deflect, blame, project, or worst — give a manipulative half-apology designed to re-open the door.
The closure you are waiting for is not coming from him. It is coming from the moment you stop waiting.
Real closure for the trauma-bonded woman is not “he finally saw it.” Real closure is “I no longer need him to see it.” And that closure becomes available the moment you stop showing up at his door, asking him to see.
The Cycle You Are In
Most of the women I sit with describe the same pattern.
You block him. You are firm. You delete his number. You feel relief for a few days.
Then a new number comes through. Or an email. Or he reaches out through a mutual friend. Or he creates a situation where you “have to” engage — usually involving an event, a shared possession, a guilt-inducing claim about his wellbeing.
You re-engage. Just to “handle this one thing.” Just to “set him straight.” Just to “let him know.”
He gets back in. The cycle resumes.
This is not an accident. This is the pattern. He is not going to stop reaching out. As long as you keep responding, the cycle has fuel. The block does not end the cycle. The block plus your discipline through the re-engagement attempt ends the cycle. And that discipline is exactly what the trauma bond is engineered to undo.
The Honest Inventory
I want to give you the assignment I give the women I sit with in this season.
Sit down. Take out paper. Write a list — honestly — of every reason you are still in contact with him.
Not the public reasons. Not the reasons you tell your friends. Not the reasons that sound good when you explain it. The actual reasons. The ones underneath.
Loneliness. The dread of an empty inbox. The fear of who you are without the drama. The hope that he will finally see. The fear of his reaction if you go silent. The familiar adrenaline. The way it feels like being important to someone, even badly important. The shame of having loved him in the first place.
Write them all down. Look at them on the page. Notice how many of them are about you, not him.
This is where the work begins.
The Truth That Sets Her Free
The truth I have watched set women free — the truth I want for you — is this.
Your acknowledgement is not going to come from him. Ever. Not in the way you want it.
Your acknowledgement is going to come from God, from yourself, from the safe people who actually see you. It is going to come from you finally telling yourself the truth about what happened. It is going to come from your body relaxing once the threat is gone for real. It is going to come from a future version of you, looking back at this season, and finally exhaling.
You do not need his apology for any of that to happen. You need to stop waiting for it.
What Letting Go Actually Costs
I want to be honest. Letting go is going to hurt.
You will grieve a season of your life. You will grieve the version of him you wished he had been. You will grieve the future you imagined. You will grieve the part of yourself that loved him.
You will feel withdrawal. The body that has been organized around his rhythms does not reorganize overnight. There will be days you feel hollow. There will be days you feel rage. There will be days, for some women, where the suicidal feelings rise — not because death is the answer but because the body is screaming for the familiar comfort and the brain does not yet trust that anything else exists.
This pain is not a sign you should go back. This pain is the work. The pain is what happens when the trauma bond is finally being released instead of fed. You walk through it, and on the other side is your actual life.
Frequently Asked Questions
Will he ever apologize?
Almost never in the way you are hoping. The kind of acknowledgement you are waiting for requires the same humility and accountability he was unable to bring while you were together.
Is staying in contact really keeping the cycle alive?
Yes. Each re-engagement, even brief, reactivates the bond at a neurological level. The block plus your discipline through his re-engagement attempts is what ends the cycle.
How do I survive the loneliness of going no-contact?
Plan for it. Treat the first 30-90 days like addiction withdrawal. Have a counselor, a trusted friend, a prayer practice. The body, once through the withdrawal, comes back to itself.
If You Are Tired of Waiting for an Acknowledgement That Is Not Coming
If something in you exhaled reading this — if you sensed God say yes, this is what I have been trying to walk you out of — I would love to walk this with you.
I offer a free 15-minute consultation for Christian women in narcissistic abuse recovery navigating the impossible work of letting go.
Book your free 15-minute consultation here.
He is not going to give you the apology. But God will give you the freedom. Let’s begin.
