Therapy for Narcissistic Traits in Toronto

Who I Work With

I work with people with narcissistic traits and people with covert narcissism. I don’t work with people who are heavily narcissistic. There’s a sensitivity in the people I work with: they really do want to heal themselves.

I’ve found that people with narcissistic traits find a lot of comfort in me being able to relate to what they’re going through. It takes the shame and the judgment out of it, so we can be very honest about their behaviour.

I’ve Been on Both Sides of the Same Coin

I would say I suffered from narcissistic victimhood and narcissistic traits. I’ve been the people-pleaser in a narcissistic relationship. And I’ve been in relationships where I was the more narcissistic one, with a people-pleaser who was afraid of me getting upset and was trying to please me. They’re two sides of the same coin.

Healing Narcissism Is Healing Addiction and Control

Narcissists have very strong needs, to the point of addiction. They use people like an addiction, and it comes out as control and manipulation. I know what that feels like.

Narcissistic people are very into their image and controlling their image. For me, covert narcissism showed up in fantasy: what I fantasized about myself and what I could be. Very grandiose thoughts of myself. It’s really a dissociated fantasy. When we’re addicted to it, it’s because we’re avoiding our own shame.

Underneath the Defensiveness: Mountains of Toxic Shame

Narcissists are very sensitive to criticism and very defensive, because there’s a very wounded self and very strong unmet needs. In healing my own narcissistic traits, I had to go through feeling highly defensive and reactive to everything. My covert narcissistic traits also bled back and forth into BPD traits.

What really helped me heal was healing mountains of toxic shame. When you carry an incredible amount of shame, you will defend yourself to no end to avoid feeling it, and defend against others exposing it. The pain around that shame is so huge that the defence, the reactivity and the control around not feeling it are real.

So the identity becomes very defensive, very reactive and very controlling. And to cover up the low self-esteem, there’s performance and acting: a facade of “I’m better.” With covert narcissism, we become obsessed with grandiose thoughts of ourselves.

Narcissism Is on a Spectrum

I think everybody has a level of narcissism. It becomes problematic when toxic shame stops us from really connecting with ourselves. We live in perpetual low self-esteem, and in controlling that. Our relationships become based on control and getting our needs met, instead of true connection and joy: getting satisfaction, getting those dopamine hits.

It’s Okay to Have Needs

There’s nothing wrong with getting our needs met. There’s nothing wrong with getting upset when our needs aren’t met. What’s wrong is when we shame, control, manipulate or get angry at other people in toxic ways just to get our needs met. When we use people like drugs for the dopamine hit. Instead of connection, it’s overtake.

The journey of healing narcissistic traits is about deeply meeting your own needs.

How I Healed, and How We’ll Work

Underneath is severe neglect, abuse, toxic shame and pain. That cycles us into avoiding that part of ourselves, defending against it, and using everything like a drug. Working through it in doses we can tolerate is how I healed.

It’s about meeting the pain and our needs. That’s really what it is. It’s also letting go of the addiction to control, and of the fantasy we have of ourselves, because we have grandiose thoughts of ourselves.

Life Will Humble Us Anyway

Life will humble a narcissistic person anyway. Loss, the loss of relationships, being alone: that will heal it. But as long as a narcissistic person can get their way and be enabled, it’s very difficult to heal.

From Taking to Receiving

When we heal through the shame and the pain, and really meet ourselves, we learn what connection is. The outcome is our true selves, authenticity, and a sense of “I’m good enough.” Worthiness.

Healing narcissism and connecting to our true selves is a deep surrender process. And when we feel worthy and connected to ourselves, we can receive.

So the transformation is this: instead of taking and getting, we’re connected to ourselves, and we’re receiving. We connect with the more empathic side of ourselves, and we’re giving.