I want to talk about the pattern of oscillating between pedestaling someone and hating them, with nothing in between.
You meet someone. You put them on a small internal pedestal. Then they do something disappointing. The pedestal collapses. They fall from extraordinary to contemptible.
This is called splitting. It is a defensive mechanism where the mind protects itself from the anxiety of holding contradictions by dividing people into all-good or all-bad.
The alternative is integrated object relations — the capacity to see people as gray, as flawed and good simultaneously.
Why Splitting Develops
A parent who was inconsistent. A family that could not tolerate complexity. Religious environments demanding binary judgment. Early relationships that flipped suddenly. Chronic authoritarian environments.
How Splitting Shows Up
New relationships intense from the start. History of dramatic falling-outs. Cannot hold a friend’s disappointment lightly. Struggle to see former friends charitably. Extremes about celebrities, teachers, pastors.
The Work of Learning to Hold Gray
One: name the pattern.
Two: hold both truths at once.
Three: notice the discomfort of gray.
Four: grieve that no one will be all-good.
Five: revisit former heroes and villains.
Six: work with underlying attachment wounds.
A Gentle Invitation
If something here met you and you’d like to talk it through, I offer a free 15-minute consultation.
