I want to talk to the adult who cannot trust their own judgment.
You have been an adult for years. You have handled complex situations. You have raised children, held jobs, navigated relationships, made real decisions. From the outside, you look competent.
Inside, you feel constantly uncertain. Every decision has to be run past someone. You cannot buy a purchase, take a job, end a friendship, agree to a plan, hold a position on a hot topic, or make almost any meaningful choice without checking with a trusted authority first. Sometimes it is your parent. Sometimes a friend. Sometimes a partner. Sometimes a pastor. Sometimes a therapist. Sometimes a book, a podcast, an influencer whose opinions you have made your own.
You are aware this is not normal. Most adults have a compass. They know what they think. They can decide. You cannot, quite. You have been living, quietly, with the fear that you might one day have to make a big decision entirely on your own and that you would get it wrong, because the equipment for making it — your own inner sense of what is right for you — was never fully installed.
I want to share what I see in this work.
You were raised in an authoritarian household. Not necessarily abusive. Not necessarily harsh. But structured in a way that did not permit you to develop your own internal authority. Decisions came from above. Your job was to comply. Trying to think for yourself was punished, dismissed, or gently redirected until you stopped trying. By adulthood, the muscle for internal decision-making had never been built.
This is not your fault. It is a specific wound. It has a specific healing path. And you can, in adulthood, build the compass you did not get to build as a child. It takes time. It works.
What Authoritarian Parenting Actually Was
Authoritarian parenting is a specific style described in the developmental psychology literature. Its features:
High demands, low warmth. Parents required much of you. There was little emotional attunement to how you felt about what was being asked.
Rules were absolute. There were right ways and wrong ways to do everything. Deviation was not tolerated.
Explanation was minimal. You were told what to do. You were not told why. The reason was often “because I said so” or “because that is how it is done.”
Questioning was punished. Any pushback, disagreement, or independent thought was met with anger, silent treatment, or moral condemnation.
Emotions were dismissed. Your feelings about the rules did not matter. What you preferred, wanted, or thought was not part of the equation.
External conformity was the goal. How you behaved mattered. What was happening inside you did not.
Moral judgment came from above. Right and wrong were determined by parents (or religious authorities, or cultural authorities) and handed down. Developing your own sense of right and wrong was not part of the plan.
If most of this describes your childhood — even if it was well-intentioned, even if your parents loved you, even if it was culturally normal — you were raised authoritarian. And the specific adult wound is now yours to heal.
What the Wound Looks Like in Adult Life
The adult raised authoritarian has recognizable patterns.
Chronic decision anxiety. You cannot make simple choices without significant internal distress. What to eat, what to wear, what to say. Bigger decisions become paralyzing.
Outsourced moral judgment. You cannot decide whether something is right or wrong without asking someone. You need external validation of your ethical intuitions.
Susceptibility to authoritative voices. You are drawn to charismatic teachers, confident leaders, and definitive systems because they offer the certainty your internal compass cannot produce. This makes you vulnerable to cults, controlling relationships, and rigid ideologies.
Difficulty knowing what you want. Not just in decisions. In life. What you want from a career, a relationship, a life shape — you have trouble accessing. Your wants have been drowned out by other people’s expectations for so long that you have lost contact with them.
Constant self-doubt. Every decision you do make is followed by second-guessing. You cannot trust that you got it right, even when you did.
Overreliance on rules and systems. You seek structured approaches to every domain — parenting, spirituality, work, relationships — because rules feel safer than judgment.
Perfectionism about doing things right. Because the wrong way was punished as a child, adult you experiences small failures as unbearably threatening.
Chronic guilt. You feel guilty often. About small things. About things nobody would blame you for. About your own preferences.
If several of these apply, the authoritarian childhood legacy is a major factor in your adult life.
Why This Pattern Is So Hard to Change
The reason this wound resists ordinary self-help is that it is not a thought. It is a missing developmental structure.
A child’s inner authority is built through specific experiences: being asked what you think and having the answer respected, being allowed to make small decisions and live with the consequences, being trusted with age-appropriate autonomy, having your feelings acknowledged as information about you.
If those experiences did not happen, the internal structure did not build. You cannot install it in adulthood by deciding to be more decisive. The structure needs to be built through actual experience of trusting yourself and having that trust work out.
This is why traditional advice — “just make a decision,” “trust yourself,” “be confident” — falls flat. You cannot muscle your way to a structure that was never developed. You have to build it, slowly, through practice.
How to Build Internal Authority in Adulthood
The work of building internal authority as an adult has specific components.
One: notice when you are outsourcing. Every time you check with someone before making a decision, catch the moment. Name it silently: “I am outsourcing my judgment here. That is old programming, not need.”
Two: practice making small decisions without consultation. Start tiny. What to have for lunch. Which route to take. Whether to accept a small invitation. Do not check with anyone. Just decide. Live with the outcome. This builds the muscle.
Three: notice what you actually think or feel about issues. Before consulting external opinions on a topic, sit with it. What do you actually think? Do not censor. Do not check yet against others’ views. Just access your own read. Over time, your read becomes more available.
Four: distinguish your own values from what you were told to value. Sit with a journal. What do I actually value? What do I actually care about? Some of what comes will match what you were taught. Some will not. The differences matter. They are you.
Five: trust yourself in small stakes; expand from there. As you make small decisions well, your nervous system starts to trust that you can. This is what builds the structure. Grow the stakes slowly.
Six: tolerate the discomfort of not being certain. Adult decisions rarely come with certainty. Authoritarian training made certainty feel required. Letting go of that requirement is central to the work.
Seven: work with a therapist. This is deep developmental work. A therapist trained in Internal Family Systems, or in adult children of authoritarian parents, can help you build what was not built earlier.
Eight: be careful about authoritative voices. In the transition, you may be drawn to strong teachers, confident leaders, or rigid systems that offer the certainty your compass does not yet. Notice this pull. Be cautious about giving your authority away to any external voice, even one that seems wise.
What Happens as the Compass Builds
The person who has done substantial work on this describes recognizable changes.
Decisions get easier. Not effortless. But possible. The paralysis loosens.
You start to know what you think. When someone asks your opinion, an answer arises. It is yours. You can share it or not, but you have one.
You get less susceptible to manipulation. When a charismatic teacher, an authoritative friend, or a confident partner tries to override your judgment, you can feel your own compass and hold ground.
You outgrow the need for constant external validation. You can make a decision and live with it without needing consensus from your circle.
Your spiritual life deepens. You can meet God as your primary authority rather than filtering Him through the authoritarian figures who taught you about Him.
You become someone others can be honest with. Because your identity does not depend on external agreement, people can disagree with you without threatening your sense of self.
You start to live your own life. What you have not fully lived, because you were living the life your authoritarian formation designed, becomes yours to live.
What This Is Not
This is not blaming your parents. Many authoritarian parents did the best they knew. Naming the effect on you is not attacking them.
This is not becoming defiant or contrarian. The goal is internal authority, not opposition to external authority. You can honor wise counsel from a compass of your own.
This is not fast. Building developmental structure that was not built takes years. Every year of practice compounds.
Frequently Asked Questions
Was my upbringing really authoritarian, or was it just strict? Strict and authoritarian overlap but differ. Authoritarian involves the specific features listed above — low emotional attunement, punishment of questioning, dismissal of feelings. Strict parents can have warm attunement and permit questions.
Can I do this work without therapy? You can start. Full development of internal authority usually benefits from professional support, especially since the pattern is deep.
Will I know I have made progress? Yes. You will find decisions getting easier. You will notice you know your own opinion when asked. You will feel less compulsion to check with others. These are real markers.
A Gentle Invitation
If something here met you and you’d like to talk it through, I offer a free 15-minute consultation. No pressure to begin anything — just a quiet conversation to see if this is the kind of support that fits.
[Book a free 15-minute consultation.]
You don’t have to do this alone.
Therapy in Toronto and online
I’m Tracey Nguyen, RN, MN, a registered nurse and psychotherapist in Toronto (Ontario licence #12492206), practising since 2015. If this article speaks to you, I offer complex trauma and CPTSD therapy in person in Toronto and online across Ontario, Canada and internationally.
Book a free consult or 60-minute session →
Can’t find a time that works, or want to reach Tracey directly? Send a message or email truehealthcounselling@gmail.com.
