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I want to talk to the person who is carrying the weight of two things at once: what was done to them, and what they, at some point, did to someone else.
Maybe you were the child who was harmed and, later, in adolescence, harmed someone smaller than you. Maybe you were the neglected teenager who grew into the parent who neglected in ways you swore you never would. Maybe you were the emotionally abused spouse who, exhausted and full of unprocessed rage, became verbally abusive to your own children. Maybe the harm was subtle. Maybe it was significant. The specifics vary. The shape does not.
You are carrying both roles — victim and perpetrator — inside one body. You have often felt you could not fully claim either. Being a victim feels dishonest because you also caused harm. Being a perpetrator feels dishonest because the harm done to you was so much larger and started so much earlier.
I want to share what I see in this work.
This is one of the most common and least talked about patterns in trauma. It has a name: the trauma chain. The unconscious passing of pain from one person to the next. It is not a moral failure. It is not evidence you are broken. It is a survival system that misfired at a moment when your inner world could not hold what had happened to it. And it is, with the right work, breakable — in you, and going forward.
What the Trauma Chain Is
Trauma, when it is not processed, does not just sit inside a person. It looks for exit. It looks for somewhere to put the unbearable feeling that the original event created.
If it does not exit through the healing channels — grief, therapy, safe witnessing, embodied processing — it exits through unhealthy ones. Some people direct it inward: self-harm, addiction, depression, chronic illness. Some people direct it outward: harm to others, usually people less powerful than themselves. Many people do both, alternately.
The classic phrase “hurt people hurt people” is not a full explanation, but it is a real one. The person who has been hurt and has not been given the tools to process the hurt is, statistically, more likely to pass it on than the person who has been hurt and has done the work. This is not fate. It is what happens when trauma is left in a nervous system with no other outlet.
Recognizing this is not a way of excusing what happened. It is a way of understanding it well enough to change it.
Why the Chain Is So Hard to Talk About
Survivor communities often insist that survivors do not become perpetrators. It is meant to protect survivors from the false accusation that all abuse survivors are dangerous. It also means that the survivors who did, at some point, cause harm feel they have nowhere to bring their story.
Religious communities often frame harm-doing as pure moral failure. This makes accountability feel like eternal condemnation rather than a step toward change. That framework does not produce change. It produces isolation and, often, the very depression and dysregulation that makes further harm more likely.
The person carrying the double weight needs somewhere to bring the whole story — the harm done to them and the harm they did — where it can be met with truth, accountability, compassion, and a real path forward.
The Framework That Actually Works
One: breaking denial. Naming, honestly, both what was done to you and what you did. Not softening. Not minimizing. Not comparing. Just naming.
Two: acknowledging harm. Sitting with the reality of the impact — on you, on the person you harmed, on the systems around you. Not defending. Not explaining. Just letting the truth of what happened be true.
Three: emotional processing. Feeling the emotions that have been suppressed for years. Grief. Shame. Fear. Rage. Confusion. Letting them move through the body rather than staying stuck. This usually requires a trained trauma therapist.
Four: receiving forgiveness. From God, from yourself, from the parts of you that have been holding you in punishment. Not because you deserve to be let off the hook, but because the punishment posture is now blocking the change your continued healing depends on.
What Accountability Actually Requires
Accountability is naming, out loud, to at least one trusted person, what happened.
It is refusing to explain it away, minimize it, or shift blame to your own trauma. Your trauma is context, not exoneration.
It is committing to the deep work that would make repetition impossible.
It is, in most cases, not disclosing directly to the person you harmed. Disclosing to the person you harmed — especially if they do not currently carry conscious awareness of what happened — is often about relieving your own guilt at their expense. It re-traumatizes them. The ethical work is to carry the accountability yourself, with support.
In some cases, direct amends are appropriate. In others, they would cause more harm. A trained trauma therapist can help you tell the difference for your specific situation.
Why Self-Punishment Blocks Healing
Self-punishment keeps you locked in the shame. Shame keeps you dysregulated. Dysregulation is exactly the state in which harm most easily occurs.
The healing path is the opposite of self-punishment. It is regulation. It is grief. It is honest accountability. It is receiving the forgiveness that God offers freely. It is doing the work that lets you become the person in whom the trauma stops.
You cannot be the person who breaks the chain if you are still bleeding out from within it. Your healing is not a betrayal of the person you harmed. It is, paradoxically, part of the reparation.
Frequently Asked Questions
Am I evil if I harmed someone even though I was also harmed?
No. You are a wounded human who caused harm from that wound. That does not make it acceptable. It also does not make you irredeemable.
Should I confess to the person I harmed?
Usually, no — not without professional guidance. Disclosure often relieves the discloser at the cost of re-traumatizing the receiver.
Can I really receive forgiveness for something this serious?
Yes. Forgiveness is contingent on honest acknowledgment and continued growth. God’s forgiveness is real. Your own forgiveness is buildable.
A Gentle Invitation
If something here met you and you’d like to talk it through, I offer a free 15-minute consultation. No pressure to begin anything — just a quiet conversation to see if this is the kind of support that fits.
Book a free 15-minute consultation.
You don’t have to do this alone.
