I want to introduce you to the specific practice that, more than perhaps any other, changes how you carry the childhood you had.
Self-parenting the inner child.
The practice is deceptively simple. You take on the role, in your interior life, of the loving, protective adult that the child you were needed but did not get. You become, internally, the parent who would have soothed her when she cried, believed her when she spoke, protected her when she was in danger, celebrated her when she succeeded, held her when she was afraid.
You do this not once but continuously, as an ongoing practice. Over months and years, the child inside you — which is to say, the parts of your nervous system that formed when you were young and did not get what you needed — learns that someone is finally showing up.
Over time, this changes you. Not in a metaphorical way. In an actual, measurable, nervous-system-level way.
I want to share what I see in this work.
Why This Is Not Just Metaphor
The mainstream understanding of inner child work often treats it as a helpful mental exercise. Imagine your inner child. Be nice to her. It sounds a bit twee.
The deeper understanding is that the inner child is a real neurological structure. The nervous system holds, in specific patterns, the developmental stages you moved through. The parts of you that formed at three, at seven, at eleven, are still active. They still respond to current situations from the perspective and capacity of the age they formed at.
When you were young and needed comfort but did not receive it, a specific neurological pattern was laid down. That pattern is still there. It activates now when you experience situations that echo the original need.
Self-parenting engages this actual pattern, not just a metaphor. When you turn attention toward the young part of you that is currently activated and offer her what she needed, the pattern begins to update. This is not magic. It is neuroplasticity.
The person who develops a sustained self-parenting practice, over months and years, actually rewires the parts of themselves that formed under insufficient care. This is deep healing work.
What Self-Parenting Looks Like
The specific practice has recognizable structure.
Noticing when the inner child is activated. Certain situations regress you. Criticism from an authority. Perceived rejection. Not being heard. When you notice a disproportionate reaction, an inner child is likely activated.
Turning attention toward her. Not away. When most of us feel that regressed state, we try to override it, distract from it, push through. Self-parenting reverses this. You turn toward.
Asking what she needs. With curiosity, not judgment. What is she feeling? What did the situation trigger for her? What does she need from you right now?
Offering what she needs. Comfort. Reassurance. Protection. Advocacy. The specific thing this specific young part needed but did not get.
Speaking to her in the way a loving parent would. Not harsh. Not dismissive. Not hurried. The tone of voice you would use with an actual scared child.
Taking action on her behalf when needed. Sometimes she needs you to leave a situation. Sometimes to speak up. Sometimes to rest. Self-parenting includes doing the practical things her comfort requires.
Repeating this many times. Not once. Continuously. Over months. Over years.
What Specifically Needs Reparenting
Different young parts need different things. Some common patterns:
The infant part needs to be held and know she is not alone. Somatic soothing — self-touch, warm blankets, humming, rocking — often helps.
The toddler part needs safety and permission to have big feelings. Not overriding her tantrums. Letting them move through with your compassionate witness.
The preschooler part needs curiosity to be welcomed and questions to be answered. Not shamed for wondering.
The school-age part needs celebration for her efforts and comfort when she struggles. Not conditional love.
The pre-teen part needs to know she is valuable regardless of how she compares to others. Not dismissed.
The teenage part needs her emerging identity to be accepted. Not corrected into someone else’s mold.
Different childhoods left different parts under-parented. The self-parenting work often reveals which parts specifically need what.
Why Self-Parenting Requires an Adult Self
For self-parenting to work, there has to be an adult self capable of doing the parenting.
For many people, the adult self was not fully developed either. The adult you look like is often more of a scared adolescent trying to run an adult life without adult resources.
Building the adult self is part of the work. This happens through therapy, through spiritual formation, through relationships where you are treated as adult, through gradually taking on adult responsibilities and completing them, through learning skills of self-regulation.
As the adult self strengthens, the capacity to self-parent grows. Both develop together.
What Changes With Sustained Practice
The person who develops a sustained self-parenting practice describes recognizable shifts.
The disproportionate reactions decrease. What used to send you into a spiral now moves through more easily.
Your relationship with your own body changes. It feels less like an enemy and more like a beloved.
Your capacity to be alone shifts. Being with yourself becomes less lonely. There is a self who is with you.
Your other relationships improve. Because you are less dependent on other adults to parent you, you can meet them as adult.
Old wounds soften. Not disappear. Soften. The events did not become nothing. They just carry less charge.
Spiritual life often deepens. The child who was protected can trust God more easily. The interior gets more room.
You can be around actual children with more presence. You are not competing for parenting with them.
You develop specific tools for hard moments. When a wave of old feeling comes, you know what to do.
What This Is Not
This is not narcissism. Self-parenting is not about being self-obsessed. It is about tending an actual neurological structure so it stops running your adult life.
This is not permission to avoid taking adult responsibility. Self-parenting includes doing hard adult things — that is what a good parent teaches a child. Reparenting yourself means also expecting adult things of yourself.
This is not a replacement for actual therapy for significant trauma. Please get support. This work is amplified with a skilled therapist.
This is not fast. Sustained self-parenting takes years to substantially rewire deep patterns. Every session of self-parenting matters.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I do this if I do not know what a good parent looks like? Draw from wherever you can. Books, movies, watching other parents parent well, imagining what you needed. Even imperfect imagination of a good parent is better than the internal critic you inherited.
Is this a Christian practice? It is compatible with Christian understanding. God is often described as a good parent. Self-parenting includes cooperating with the parenting God offers, and extending it to the parts of you that need it.
Can I do this alone or do I need therapy? You can start alone. For deep patterns, please get a therapist trained in Internal Family Systems or similar modalities. The support accelerates significantly.
A Gentle Invitation
If something here met you and you’d like to talk it through, I offer a free 15-minute consultation. No pressure to begin anything — just a quiet conversation to see if this is the kind of support that fits.
Book a free 15-minute consultation.
Can’t find a time that works, or want to reach Tracey directly? Send a message or email truehealthcounselling@gmail.com.
You don’t have to do this alone.
Therapy in Toronto and online
I’m Tracey Nguyen, RN, MN, a registered nurse and psychotherapist in Toronto (Ontario licence #12492206), practising since 2015. If this article speaks to you, I offer complex trauma and CPTSD therapy in person in Toronto and online across Ontario, Canada and internationally.
Book a free 15-minute consultation →
Can’t find a time that works, or want to reach Tracey directly? Send a message or email truehealthcounselling@gmail.com.
