I want to talk to the person co-parenting with an ex whose behavior was damaging in the marriage and continues to be damaging now.
This is a specific configuration. Ordinary divorce, where two decent people who could not sustain a marriage now share children as functioning co-parents, is one thing. What you are in is different. You are trying to raise children with someone whose patterns include financial manipulation, pettiness, using the children as leverage, refusing to prioritize the children’s needs, or eroding you in ways that echo the dynamics that ended the marriage.
You cannot fully leave this person. The children make that impossible. You have to maintain some interaction for years. And that interaction is chronically depleting in specific ways.
I want to share what I see in this work.
The standard advice for co-parenting assumes you are working with a reasonable adult who wants what is best for the children. When your co-parent is not that, the standard advice does not fit. You need a different framework.
The framework is: parallel parenting, not co-parenting. Structural boundaries, not relational ones. Documentation, not conversation. And a slow but steady commitment to protecting yourself and your children from the ongoing effects of your co-parent’s patterns.
The Difference Between Co-Parenting and Parallel Parenting
Standard co-parenting assumes two functional adults. It emphasizes communication, flexibility, joint decision-making, unified messaging to the children.
Parallel parenting assumes one or both parents cannot function collaboratively. It emphasizes minimal communication, structural rules, separate parenting styles, protection from conflict rather than resolution of it.
If your ex fits the pattern I described, you are in parallel parenting territory. Trying to co-parent will exhaust you and repeatedly disappoint your children. Restructuring toward parallel parenting is often the path that actually works.
Structural Boundaries That Reduce Damage
The specific boundaries that reduce the ongoing damage of parallel parenting are structural rather than relational. You do not have to negotiate them with your ex. You put them in place unilaterally and enforce them.
Communication via written channels only. No phone calls unless emergency. Text or an app like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents. Written communication creates a record and reduces reactivity.
Response time delays. You do not have to respond immediately. A 24-hour delay for non-emergencies gives you time to regulate and reduces the intensity of exchanges.
Business-tone communication. Every message is factual, brief, non-emotional. You are not friends. You are managing a shared logistical responsibility. Adopt the tone you would with a difficult colleague.
No contact outside logistics. Do not respond to bait about the relationship, the past, or personal matters. If it is not about the children’s care, do not engage.
Documented handoffs. When possible, at neutral locations or with a third party present. Reduces opportunities for conflict.
Financial matters through a lawyer or mediator. Do not negotiate financial issues directly with someone who has used finances against you.
Separate accounts and providers. School emails, doctor communications, extracurricular sign-ups — set them up so you receive everything directly rather than through your ex.
Clear custody schedule that requires minimal renegotiation. The less you have to coordinate, the less friction.
What to Protect the Children From
You cannot protect your children from having the parent they have. But you can protect them from specific damaging patterns.
Do not speak negatively about their other parent to them. Ever. This is one of the hardest disciplines but it is critical. Children internalize what they hear.
Do not use them as messengers. All communication with the other parent goes through you or the app. Never “tell your dad.”
Do not use them as informants. Do not ask about their time with the other parent in ways that put them in the middle.
Do not put them in a position of managing your emotions about the other parent. They need to be free to love both of you without carrying your feelings.
Do provide accurate emotional attunement to what they are experiencing. If they express feelings about the other parent, hear them. Do not deny their reality, but do not amplify it either.
Do get them their own therapist if the situation warrants. A neutral adult who can help them process what they are living.
Do model the mature parent behavior you want them to internalize. They are watching. What they see in you shapes their understanding of what functional adult behavior is.
What to Protect Yourself From
The ongoing depletion of parallel parenting is real. Specific protections:
Limit exposure. Every reduction in interaction is a reduction in depletion.
Have a support network that understands. Friends who get it. A therapist who understands high-conflict co-parenting. Community that can hold your reality.
Practice self-parenting. The child inside you who is being retraumatized by the ongoing dynamic needs comfort from your adult self.
Keep working on your own healing. The trauma of the marriage does not resolve just because the marriage ended. The healing continues alongside the co-parenting.
Do not seek his affirmation. He does not have the capacity to give it. Waiting for it is a losing strategy.
Grieve the co-parent you cannot have. Your children needed two functioning parents. They do not have that. Grieving this loss is part of the work.
Recognize what you cannot control. You cannot make him a better father. You can only be the best parent you can be, and hold structural boundaries that reduce his damage.
The Financial Manipulation Piece
If your ex uses financial matters as a form of manipulation — inconsistent child support, disputes over expenses, withholding to punish — specific protections help.
All financial communication through a lawyer or mediator.
Court-ordered clarity on all financial matters. Written orders that leave no ambiguity.
Document everything. Every expense, every request, every response.
Do not engage with attempts to renegotiate outside legal channels. Direct him to your lawyer.
Have a financial safety net if possible. Your financial vulnerability is what makes the manipulation effective. Reducing that vulnerability, over time, reduces his leverage.
Get financial counsel from a professional who understands your specific situation.
What Healing Looks Like Alongside Co-Parenting
You do not have to wait until co-parenting is over to heal. Specific healing happens even while you are still in it.
Your reactivity to his behavior decreases. What used to send you into distress becomes manageable.
Your identity separates from being his ex. You are your own person again, not primarily defined by the relationship or its aftermath.
Your parenting improves. Because you have more capacity available.
Your other relationships deepen. Because you are more present.
Your capacity for joy returns. Even in the presence of ongoing difficulty.
Your spiritual life stabilizes. God can meet you inside the situation rather than only after.
Your children benefit from your healing directly. They have a more available parent.
What This Is Not
This is not saying leave the co-parenting entirely. Unless there is abuse of the children, they usually benefit from having both parents, imperfect as one may be.
This is not saying your ex is a monster. Even difficult ex-partners often have their own trauma that shaped them. Recognizing this does not require reopening yourself to them.
This is not saying it will be easy. Parallel parenting with a difficult ex is genuinely hard. The work is to make it as sustainable as possible.
This is not solo work. Please get support. A therapist familiar with high-conflict co-parenting can be invaluable.
Frequently Asked Questions
When do I need a lawyer versus mediator versus just structural boundaries? Structural boundaries alone if the situation is stable and reasonable. Mediator if you need help with specific negotiations. Lawyer if he is not complying with existing orders or if the situation escalates. Do not hesitate to escalate legal involvement if needed.
How do I not become bitter? Grieve. Get support. Do the inner work described in earlier posts. Bitterness comes from stuck grief and anger. Moving them, over time, prevents bitterness from setting in.
What if my children want more contact with him than I think is healthy? Trust the process, within legal parameters. Do not badmouth. Let them develop their own relationship. As they mature, they will see what they see.
A Gentle Invitation
If something here met you and you’d like to talk it through, I offer a free 15-minute consultation. No pressure to begin anything — just a quiet conversation to see if this is the kind of support that fits.
Book a free 15-minute consultation.
Can’t find a time that works, or want to reach Tracey directly? Send a message or email truehealthcounselling@gmail.com.
You don’t have to do this alone.
Therapy in Toronto and online
I’m Tracey Nguyen, RN, MN, a registered nurse and psychotherapist in Toronto (Ontario licence #12492206), practising since 2015. If this article speaks to you, I offer narcissistic abuse recovery in person in Toronto and online across Ontario, Canada and internationally.
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Can’t find a time that works, or want to reach Tracey directly? Send a message or email truehealthcounselling@gmail.com.
